


let's not decide whether we're too far gone

by martashere



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst??, Anxiety Attacks, Attempt at Humor, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Fluff, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, Insecurity, Intrusive Thoughts, Jake Has Anxiety, Jake-centric, My First AO3 Post, My First Work in This Fandom, Secret Relationship, Set in Season 3, everything is the same but jake and amy didn't get caught, i cant write angst so youll have to tell me if it is, i havent posted fics in YEARS this is weird, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-17 09:01:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29714796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/martashere/pseuds/martashere
Summary: “I know! A comprehensive set of rules.”“How am I attracted to you? Doesn’t matter, I am. Go.”“Rule one: let’s not tell anyone, so we can figure out what this is first.”Or, the one in which Jake and Amy don’t get caught and they keep their relationship a secret.
Relationships: Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago
Comments: 14
Kudos: 52





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> ok, so! this is the first fic I've posted in literal years AND my first fic in this fandom (also the first fic I post here). I'm kinda nervous, not gonna lie lmao. also, english isn't my first language, so please excuse any errors and let me know if there are any mistakes. anyway, enjoy!

Okay, so – Jake and Amy kissed. After two years of pining, he finally got to kiss the girl he’s been hung up on since the dawn of time. Needless to say, it was everything he thought it’d be and more. It was ground-breaking, glass-shattering, mind-blowing – the best first kiss he’s ever had. He was now getting ready for their first official date – _romantic stylez _-__ and their earlier conversation in the copier room was echoing inside his head.

_“So how do we keep this light and breezy? I know! A comprehensive set of rules.”_  
_“How am I attracted to you? Doesn’t matter, I am. Go.”_  
_“Rule one: let’s not tell anyone, so we can figure out what this is first.”_

To be honest, during his far too recurrent daydreams about getting with Amy, a major part of the scenes that played through his head was about him putting his arm around her shoulder during their weekly visits at Shaw’s, taking her hand in the precinct elevator and kissing her cheek before sitting down (another one was him screaming “Amy Santiago is my girlfriend! Suck it, Teddy!” from a rooftop, and, yeah, _petty _,__ but it would be satisfying). Point is, he didn’t feel _amazing_ about hiding their relationship from their friends, family, and colleagues.

On the other hand, he understood and agreed with Amy’s stance: there was no way of knowing how long they would last and the last thing Jake wanted was the whole precinct knowing all about yet another of his failed relationships. Also, he had to admit that there was a part of him that thought it could be kind of fun to sneak around, as it reminded him of the times Gina and he hid in the alley behind Nana’s place so that they could smoke cigarettes. He remembered the electric feeling that flowed in his veins every time they went to that alley, the thrill of knowing he was doing something he was not supposed to; it made him smile.

  
_Alright_ , he thought. _Let’s do this_. After checking himself in the mirror one last time, he grabbed his things and started heading towards Amy’s apartment, hands clammy and heart beating just a little too fast.


	2. Chapter 1

“Oh, my god.”

They were late. _So_ late. It was 9.15 am and they were supposed to be at work fifteen minutes ago. Jake sleepily lifted his head from the pillow, glancing at Amy, who was already half-dressed. She tucked nervously her shirt in her signature pantsuit before turning towards him.

“C’mon, Jake! We gotta go, go!”, she said, panic very clear in her voice. She continued chanting stuff like _Holt is going to kill us, I’ve never been so late to anything in my life_ and _oh, my god_ (that one, in particular, was overused, Jake thought) whilst getting ready in the shortest amount of time possible.

“I swear to God, Jake, if you don’t get up right now, I’m going to murder you – and I know how to not get caught.” Jake lifted his hands in the air in surrender, still too sleepy to speak, got out of bed and into some clean clothes.

To be fair, it was not his fault that they slept through both of their alarms – sure, maybe he had insisted to watch a movie the prior evening, even though it was already half-past eleven and Amy should have been already on her way home (rule number six: no sleeping over when working the next day), but she _had_ agreed to it, so it was as much her fault as it was his.

Honestly, though, the night before had been amazing. It had been their second month anniversary and they shared a quiet dinner at Jake’s apartment followed by cuddling in front of the TV mixed in with some amazing sex. God, they were so good at sex, it was crazy. But after round three, when it was one in the morning and Amy had fallen asleep in his arms, he hadn’t had the heart to wake her up to make her go home. He hadn’t wanted to, sue him. She was so beautiful, half laid on top of him, with her black and silky hair covering most of her face. So, he had ignored their rule and fell asleep, very happy to have her there with him.

Still thinking about the night before, Jake got dressed as quickly as possible, and, thank God, five minutes later, they were sitting in his old and beaten-up car, trying to get through Brooklyn’s morning traffic.

“What are we going to tell everyone when we get to the precinct?” Amy asked from his left. That was the thing: no one in the squad knew that they were together yet. They had been very careful for the last two months to not get caught, and nobody had seemed to get suspicious of them. Now, though, they were both very late and were going to show up together; basically, they _had_ to come up with a plausible explanation or they’d get busted for sure.

“I don’t know. Maybe, your car suddenly had a problem and just wouldn’t start this morning, so I gave you a ride?”, he asked, eyes fixated on the road. Amy was silent for a second and Jake, despite everything, smiled; he could practically hear the thoughts going through her head. She sighed.

“Yeah, maybe,” she said. It wasn’t their best excuse, but they had been awake for maybe ten minutes and they hadn’t even had coffee yet - it was the best they could come up with right now.

They arrived at the precinct half an hour after their shift started, which was a miracle. They hastily went to their desks and sat down. Charles looked at them with a weird twinkle in his eye.

“How come you’re both so late?” he asked, in that insinuating voice that Jake had heard so many times. It was the same voice he had used when he realized that Jake was jealous of Teddy on Tactical Village day. Jake diverted his gaze from his computer for a second and saw that his friend had both of his eyebrows raised and a sly smirk on his lips.

“Uh, my car stopped working this morning and Jake gave me a ride here. He was late, though, as always,” said Amy, trying to not give away her lie (she had surprisingly become very good at it). Charles seemed to want to reply, but before he could say a word, he was interrupted by Captain Holt.

“Santiago, Peralta. Please, come into my office,” he said, in his usual monotonous tone. If Jake hadn’t known his captain better, he would have thought that he was mad because of their tardiness, but after almost three years of knowing him – especially after the whole Oolong Slayer thing – he was starting to understand Holt’s weird body language. Plus, he was getting them out of Charles’ interrogation, so Jake was more than happy to comply with his Captain’s orders.

“That was a close one,” Jake whispered in Amy’s ear before following Holt into his office.

The Captain filled them in on a new case that they were going to work together: their aim was to catch a big and wildly known drug dealer, Lucas Garrett, who, after years of hiding, had been spotted in Brooklyn. It was a really big case, the Captain told them, and Wuntch was still salty about him going back to being Captain, so they _had_ to catch that guy. He gave them the files that had been made about him during past investigations and dismissed them.

Jake and Amy nodded and went back to their desk to learn the information they had about Garrett. Jake couldn’t concentrate, though, because he could feel Boyle’s eyes burning a hole through his shirt. He looked up from his computer to find his friend looking right back at him, smiling wildly. _Goddammit_ , he thought, _leave it alone, Boyle_. He sighed and stood up to reach Charles’ desk.

“What is it? Why do you keep looking at me?” he whispered, planting his hands on the desk. Oh, he knew exactly why Boyle was looking at him, and his friend’s expression, the same he had when he had entered the precinct, told him that he was thinking the same thing.

“Come on, Charles! You need to stop thinking of me and Amy like that. I’m just a gentleman who helped a lady in distress!” Jake raised his hands up in exasperation. Of course, he was trying to humor his way out of that situation, but Charles was very insistent.

“But Jake, you and Amy are perfect for each other!” Boyle exclaimed way too loudly, gaining the entire precinct’s attention. Jake locked eyes with his girlfriend for just a moment, before turning around to face Boyle.

“It’s never gonna happen, Charles! Stop pressuring us, we’re just good friends,” he said, for what he felt like was the millionth time. He didn’t really like denying his relationship with Amy, but he was (slowly) getting used to it. Plus, if it got out that he and Amy were together, their coworkers would feel entitled to have a say in their relationship, especially Charles; he would literally lose his shit and start planning their wedding right away. They really didn’t need that. Their relationship was still new and tentative at times and Jake feared that if everyone knew, it would break apart. And he didn’t want that, at all. He had liked Amy for what felt like forever and she was amazing, even more than he had imagined. The thought of losing her because their friends were being intrusive made Jake’s brain short-circuit.

“Yeah, Charles,” said Amy from her desk. “You need to let this go. Otherwise, everyone will start thinking that we are together, and Peralta won’t be able to try to flirt with Officer Gilmore anymore.” She had a playful glint in her eyes and her smile was covered by the cup of coffee that she was holding. Honestly, Amy Santiago was so, so beautiful and Jake had a hard time coping with it.

“Hey, that was one time!” he exclaimed, pointing a finger towards her. “It’s not my fault that he was so pretty that I thought he was a girl. Happens to anyone, right?” He laughed that weird embarrassed laugh of his, before sitting down at his desk again. Amy glanced at him.

“Sure, Pineapples.”

Later that day, Jake and Amy were sat on the couch, eating Chinese takeaway. They had reruns of the Office on, but they weren’t paying much attention. Instead, they were laughing and talking about their day, even though they spent it all together working on that drug-related case. Jake had never felt so in awe of another person. He looked at Amy, stunned by how beautiful she looked, dressed with one of his NYPD shirts, leggings, and her hair down. Her eyes were twinkling with amusement and they shined so brightly under his crappy ceiling light.

“And then,” said Amy, trying to hold back laughter. “This guy comes up to Rosa and asks for her number. The face that he did when she told him that she would rather kill everyone in the room and then herself than go out with him was absolutely priceless.” She was full-on laughing now, trying to remain still to not spill all of her food on the floor. When she didn’t hear Jake’s laugh, though, she looked at him questioningly.

“Sorry,” he said. “I wasn’t really paying attention.” He smiled sweetly, reaching his hand to tuck her hair behind her ear. Amy leaned into his touch, and in a matter of seconds, they were kissing. Jake took their food and put it on the coffee table (and if he weren’t too preoccupied kissing his girlfriend, he would have probably high-fived himself for accomplishing that task without looking), then he gently pulled her on his lap. They kissed each other senseless for what felt like ages. It wasn’t overly passionate or lustful, just sweet and comforting and Jake loved every second of it.

Eventually, Amy pulled back and rested his forehead against his.

“We have to talk about Charles,” she said, almost in a whisper. Jake looked at her incredulously.

“Really, Ames? You want to talk about Charles, now? Should I be worried?” he joked She punched him lightly on the chest, rolling her eyes but smiling all the same.

“Yes, Jake. He was very invasive today and if the Captain hadn’t interrupted him, we would have probably been caught in a lie!” Jake sighed. She was right, of course.

“Yeah, I know,” he said, sitting up straight. This wasn’t a conversation you could have sprawled on the sofa. Amy, too, straightened herself, but she remained sat on his lap.

“Well, first thing’s first: this is the first time in two months that we messed up. That’s a win, Ames,” he said. Amy looked very worried and Jake wasn’t liking it at all; all he wanted for her was to be happy, always. “C’mon, high-five,” he tried to make her smile. She met his hand with hers, a small grin on her lips.

“And then, Charles could make up something about us being together even if we weren’t. He’s weirdly obsessed with this”, he waved their still locked hands between them, “Happening.” She hummed in agreement, looking down for a second.

“Well, we’ll just have to be extra careful from now on, yeah?” she said, eyes fixed on his.

“Yeah,” he agreed, smiling softly. She pecked him on the lips, before cuddling up against him in a way that allowed her to watch the TV. Her hair was tickling his nose and one of his arms was starting to hurt because of its positioning, but Jake was happy all the same.

There was one thing he didn’t understand, though; or rather, he maybe didn’t want to understand. They had been going out for two months now and their relationship was already starting to be the best he had ever experienced. He could really see him falling for Amy Santiago. But Amy was so anxious about anyone finding out. Why? Sure, Jake didn’t mind not telling anyone, but only because he didn’t want their friends to intrude in their relationship. Did she have other reasons? A familiar worry started to sneak its way into Jake. He started thinking that, maybe, Amy didn’t feel the same about him as he felt about her. That she didn’t feel a knot in her stomach before a date, that she didn’t feel her heart exploding out of her chest when they kissed.

Jake tried to shove all that worry in a corner of his mind. He sighed and put an arm around Amy. Right now, all he wanted to do was to relax with his awesome girlfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed it! please let me know what you think and if there are any mistakes, so i can correct them :)


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: anxiety/panic attack! please don't read if it makes you uncomfortable!

Jake and Amy were very careful from then on to not anyone know about their relationship. That Friday, the whole squad went out to Shaw’s for a drink and, even though Jake had wanted to be next to Amy all night, he tried to not be around her too much. When his girlfriend had drunk her fourth shot, though, it started getting more difficult. Amy kept circling him, giving him looks that he recognized _too_ well, and she even sent him a couple of maybe too explicit texts. Fortunately, their friends didn’t seem too weirded out by it – although, to be fair, it was probably because they were all pretty drunk too.

After Jake got the fifth text by Amy, he decided that enough was enough; he needed to get home now, and he needed his girlfriend. He messaged Amy to follow him outside in a couple of minutes and said goodbye to the squad.

Outside the bar, New York seemed quiet to Jake, which was weird for a Friday night. There weren’t many people around, just a couple of Shaw’s customers that had gone out to smoke a cigarette and a few people walking past. His eyes fixed on a couple: they were roughly the same age as him and the guy had his arm around his girlfriend’s waist, listening to her talking about something she was apparently very passionate about. The woman had short dark hair and was gesticulating and talking very fast. Jake smiled but felt a pang of pain in his chest.

“Hey.” He turned around, finding Amy approaching him with a smile. She had flushed cheeks –the result of the alcohol and the cool air against her face – and her hair was down. He had probably been silent for too long because she gave him a look.

“So, are you going to stare at me for long or are we going back to mine? I’m _dying_ to get you out of those clothes,” she said, wiggling her eyebrows. Well, who was he to disobey her?

The weekend had come and gone in a whirl, and Monday morning Jake found himself sitting next to Amy’s desk. It was lunchtime and they were sharing a pizza from Sal’s; initially, they had intended to eat while bouncing off ideas of how to go about their case, but they quickly got off track and started goofing around. They were soon interrupted by Charles, who asked Jake to follow him into the briefing room.

“What is going on with you two?” he exclaimed, gesticulating. “I could feel the chemistry from a thousand miles away!”

Jake rolled his eyes. Of course, Boyle wanted to ask him that. It seemed like it was the only topic he wanted to talk about these days. He tried, again, to explain that he and Amy were just friends – which made a knot form inside his stomach – but he was highly unsuccessful. Instead, Charles started going on about how the two of them were soulmates and destined to die together on a boat, or something – Jake wasn’t really paying attention. The more he told Charles that there was absolutely nothing between Amy and him, the more the knot grew heavier and heavier in his stomach.

At the same time, Amy was experiencing something similar. Strangely enough, though, it was Rosa who asked her what was happening between her and Jake.

“Nothing!” she said, way too loudly. “Jake and I are just friends! In fact, we are so not into each other, he introduced me to one of his college friends and we’re going on a date tonight.” Oh, crap. That was not what she had intended to say. Rosa raised her eyebrow, looking slightly more interested than usual (which wasn’t much for her, anyway.)

“Cool,” she said, looking back at her computer.

“What’s cool?” asked Jake, coming out of the briefing room. Amy looked at him with panic in her eyes.

“Oh, Santiago here is going on a date tonight,” chirped in Gina, not looking away from her phone. She was trying to get some celebrity’s attention and the task was, according to her, very vital to her popularity on the internet.

Jake’s smile faltered a bit. He looked at Amy, trying to understand what was going on.

“Yeah, you know that friend of yours from college, James? You were right, he asked me out,” she said slowly, trying to get him to understand.

“Oh, yeah! James, of course. Maybe a bit too cool for you, though, Santiago,” he joked, sitting again at his desk.

Suddenly, he wasn’t feeling very well: that knot in his stomach was getting tighter by the second and he was also starting to feel nauseous. Amy tried to lock eyes with him, but he ignored her, pretending to be engrossed in something on his computer. That bad, anxiety-filled feeling from the previous week started to creep its way into him again. He started thinking that maybe Amy felt ashamed about going out with him and that was the real reason why she didn’t want anyone knowing; maybe, she was getting ready to dump him and didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but also didn’t want to disclose to anyone a relationship that was about to end anyway.

Jake’s heart started beating very fast, his hands got clammy and he started having trouble breathing. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t think; his senses heightened and everything became suddenly _too much_. He needed to get the hell out of there. He didn't really know how, but he managed to reach the bathroom, despite his shaking legs and the panic that filled his veins.

Once he was inside a stall, safe from gawking eyes, he leaned on the blue wall and started breathing slowly, just like his mother had taught him as a child. _Inhale from the nose. Exhale from the mouth. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale._ His thoughts were still running wild, his brain short-circuiting because of the lack of control it had over his body, so Jake tried to concentrate all of his thoughts on his breathing, counting the seconds it took him to breathe in and out. _Inhale. 1, 2, 3, 4. Exhale. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8._

Jake had always suffered from anxiety. As a child, it was almost impossible to live with: he was scared of going to school, to the dentist, to hang out with anyone who wasn’t Gina. By the time he turned thirteen, he was scared of everything, and he hated it. That was the moment he decided to build a wall around himself, hiding his true self from everyone else, protecting himself with jokes and humor. Then, if people were mean to him or judged him for something, he could just make a joke and go on, also because those people weren’t being jerks to _him_ , but to his façade, because _they didn’t know_ the real Jake. He maintained this coping mechanism in his adulthood, too; it allowed him to keep a distance from his anxiety most of the time.

Of course, it was not as if his anxiety just magically stopped once he started acting this way. But he found a way to manage it, more or less. Sometimes, though, it just _hit_ him all at once, leaving him breathless, dizzy, and weak. That was one of those times.

After he spent a while (five? Ten minutes? He really didn’t have a good sense of time in these situations) inside that stall, slowly breathing in and out, he felt himself getting calmer and calmer until his heart was beating at an (almost) normal rate. He pinched the bridge of his nose, taking in a last big breath, and then exited the stall. There, he found Amy, who was looking at him with concern in her eyes

“Hey, are you okay?” she asked, taking a step towards him. He breathed out and smiled weakly. “Yeah.”

Amy didn’t look too convinced. “Are you sure? I’m sorry about that date thing, I freaked out because Rosa asked me what is going on between us. I mean, Rosa was the last person I expected to do such a thing – sometimes she goes hours without talking to me. I was just caught off guard and said the first thing that came to my mind. I’m sorry.” She gave him a small, unsure smile and took a step towards him, putting a hand on his arm.

“Yeah, don’t worry about it. I just didn’t expect it,” he breathed, before clearing his throat; he was desperately trying to not seem as panicked and anxious as he felt. He let out a long, shaky breath and smiled at her, hoping she couldn’t see how unauthentic it was. Amy nodded slowly, not fully believing him. She rubbed gently her hand along his arm, not breaking eye contact.

She looked like she was going to say something, but Jake interrupted her before she could even speak.

“I just – I’m not feeling great, you know? I think I might have come down with something.” He stood straighter and took a step back. “I’m going to ask Holt to give me the afternoon off.”

He marched out of the bathroom and straight into the Captain’s office. Evidently, he still looked like shit, because Holt was quick at giving him the afternoon off – thank God.

Twenty minutes later, Jake was lying on his bed, still wearing his work clothes. He was trying to not let his mind wander, but it was stronger than him. _Why is Amy even with me? I don’t deserve her. Hell, I don’t think I deserve anybody who is even half as amazing as she is._

He groaned and turned around in his bed, closing his eyes. Those thoughts were killing him because he could see some truth in them. During the years, Amy had only dated “perfect” guys. Tall, nice-looking, polite men who were as organized and put-together as she was. Jake didn’t fit into that category at all: he was messy, always goofing around and he hadn’t his life together at all (see: his crushing debt), not to mention his incapacity to handle emotions. He couldn’t wrap his head around the reason why Amy was choosing to be with him.

And so, his mind started to wander into the dark, scary corner. _Amy doesn’t actually want to be in a relationship with you; this is only a fling to her, nothing more_. He shook his head as if he could physically throw away those thoughts. Of course, in the two months they had been together she had done and said things that highly implicated that she was happy with him, but all those small actions and sweet words were starting to get distorted: nice, soft words of adoration quickly became filled pity and annoyance.

Jake fell asleep like that, wishing those damn thoughts would just _leave him fucking alone_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, there it is! hope you enjoyed it, and please let me know what you think! always appreciated:)


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